UCLA consistently has one of the best selections of dining hall foods in the country. I once took my friend who is currently attending Dartmouth to Bruin Plate – students just call it B-Plate – and he said it was way better than anything he had in his ivory tower. That said, not every piece of meat, bowl of pasta or dessert is mind-bogglingly good. So to make sure incoming students don’t waste their time waiting in line for an overcooked piece of turkey, here are the top five best and worst foods at UCLA’s three dining halls.
Worst: 5. B-Plate Turkey
I said it in the intro so there is no use in burying the lead – B-Plate’s turkey is atrocious. Anyone who has ever had a good piece of turkey at Thanksgiving will know that it is only good because it has been forcibly kept moist by hours of basting in its own juices and pounds of butter. At B-Plate, that is not the case at all. At this dining hall, thin slices of turkey are shoved through a conveyor belt that cooks them indiscriminately, all for the same amount of time at the exact same temperature. While this allows for a constant flow of production, it always leads to a tough, dry and unappetizing piece of turkey.
Best: 5. B-Plate Vegan Caesar Dressing
I don’t know what’s in it and quite frankly, I don’t want to know, all I do know is that it’s delicious. The B-Plate salad bar is the unsung hero of UCLA’s dining options. It’s always filled with a wide array of toppings from hard-boiled eggs to bell peppers to cauliflower and will even include fun pre-made options like chickpea or Brussels sprout salads. Honestly, you could have a full meal at the salad bar alone and not have to wait in the obnoxious lines – but I digress. Amongst the hidden beauties of the salad bar is the vegan Caesar dressing, a thick, luscious sauce that coats every inch of lettuce. While it obviously doesn’t include the same ingredients as the traditional, it still manages to hit all of the same acidic, creamy and salty notes.
Worst: 4. Epicuria Portion Sizes
Yes, I am cheating on this one, but it’s my list, I can’t miss. While The Hill’s population of more than 13,000 students is a lot of mouths to feed, six noodles for a serving of pasta is ridiculous and it is like this at every station. You will have to go back in line two or more times just to get a filling portion. When compounded with the fact that Epicuria is the most popular dining hall option, it can take you 15 minutes alone to simply acquire your meal – not including the time it takes to actually eat it or find a table, for that matter. Unless the idea of eating is more fulfilling than the actual act, then Epicuria might not be with the wait.
Best: 4. De Neve Buffalo Wings
For a dining hall chicken wing, these are better than they have any right to be. First off, the buffalo sauce is actually acidic and spicy. The breading on the chicken is thick and crispy – whether from an oven or ripping fry oil, I do not know, but they always have a satisfying crunch. Also, while the dish’s name is “buffalo wings,” many a time, I have seen them made with drumsticks instead, leading to a juicier, meatier, more satisfying bite. While these don’t crop up all too often, they are an absolute must when they are on the menu.
Worst: 3. B-Plate Bison Sliders
Not everything should be healthy and B-Plate’s bison sliders are a prime example. First off, the gamey flavor of bison is enough to put some people at odds with the dish but for those intrigued by the creation, don’t be, it’s overcooked. Not only is the patty a dry, crumbly mess, but so is the bread. While most burgers are served on a traditional piece of plush white bread, these are plated on a tough-as-a-rock whole wheat bun. Between the dry patty and the literally hard-to-eat delivery vessel, even though a burger from B-Plate may sound enticing, it’s better to slide right on by this bison slider.
Best: 3. B-Plate Tacos
Even in a city with some of the best Mexican food on the planet, I still find myself hankering for some B-Plate Tacos. While the fillings are good and fresh and provide a shockingly satisfying meal for how healthy they are, the star of the show is the corn tortilla. These rounds of masa are somehow better than some of the ones you can get from one of the many taquerias just off Gayley Avenue. They do not tear the way most store-bought corn tortillas do, but hold together because of their denser nature. They perfectly cradle wherever their fillings are in a warm and spongy hug of definite corn flavor. When my friend from Dartmouth ate here, he was lucky enough to have tried one and was equally blown away.
Worst: 2. De Neve Jell-O
In a lineup that includes chocolate cake, banana cream pie and soft serve ice cream, who wants Jell-O? The texture is bizarre and unappetizing and the flavor always tastes like cough medicine. There is not much to say about why Jell-O is bad – it just is and is hopefully not your go-to dessert option.
Best: 2. Epicuria Smoked Salmon Dip
A rare, but much-appreciated addition to Epicuria’s menu. If you like smoked salmon on your bagel, this is just a spreadable version of that and it’s delectable. The meaty fish isn’t mushed to a paste, so there is a fair amount of flaky salmon pieces to provide texture. The smoky flavor is definite but not overpowering and the dip itself is light, fresh and creamy. Additionally, because this is in the self-served dip section of the dining hall next to the pepperoncini and pasta salad, there is never a wait for it and you can dish out as much as you want, making it the most available source of protein in the entire dining hall. Because the smoked salmon dip is a bit of a secret item and always delivers on deliciousness, it is easily the best dish this dining hall has to offer.
Worst: 1. B-Plate Tortilla Pizza
If you are wondering why B-Plate has been on this list the most, that is because when it comes to their dishes, they try the most — just not always successfully. While the toppings are good and can include ingredients like black beans, pineapple or avocado, they fall apart because of the vessel – literally. This thing is an oversized tortilla chip and it does not work one bit. Nachos work because you can fit an entire chip and its topping in your mouth – here, that is an impossibility. Once you take your first bite, the entire pizza – if you can even call it that – crumbles to dust while the toppings fall onto either your plate, yourself or the floor. The tortilla pizzas are a mess to eat and are never satisfying — that is why they are the worst dish the dining halls have to offer.
Best: 1. B-Plate Chicken Thighs
Try as B-Plate might to reinvent the wheel with healthy burgers and pizza, they will never beat a well-prepared piece of chicken. Where the conveyor belt method obliterated any hope of a juicy piece of turkey, because chicken thighs have a lot of fat on them, they are virtually indestructible. In fact, the longer they spend over 165 degrees Fahrenheit, the more tender they become. So not only are they expertly cooked – if by coincidence – they are also impeccably flavored. Marinated to the max, B-Plate chicken thighs come in a wide variety of options such as Moroccan style, Lemon Ginger and Dijon Mustard — with my personal favorite being the Italian marinade. When my friend from Dartmouth came to visit, this was the other item he tried and is what made him concede that the Ivy Leagues have nothing on UCLA. Since the B-Plate chicken thighs are always juicy, tender and packed with flavor every single time, they are the best dish on The Hill.
All taste is subjective and some people may even like Jell-O, but I do hope this list steers you in the right direction regarding what to avoid and what to devour at UCLA’s dining halls.
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Featured Illustration by William Fallon/BruinLife
