“I’m a shameless caller. You’re a full machine,” the lyrics echoed in my ears as I made my way to class. My heart started fluttering, and I felt a rush of warmth fill my stomach. My mind brimmed over with daydreams of us, blooming one after another, like wildflowers after all this rain. I couldn’t help myself; my imagination kept sketching scenes of us, soft and sunlit.
The worst part? I liked it.
With Valentine’s Day having come and gone, it feels only natural for old feelings about ex-lovers and almost-lovers to resurface. And they certainly did for me. In the days leading up to Valentine’s, I couldn’t stop the what-ifs from sneaking into my mind. What if I had kissed him that night? What if our friendship is forever altered by my crush on him? Does he still think about me? About my late-night confession?
The persistent pull of imagining what could’ve been only intensified with every heart-shaped chocolate box and bouquet of roses I saw on my grocery runs. I don’t know if it’s just me, but there’s something almost sadistic in daydreaming about old crushes; the ache of revisiting moments that felt so certain is heavy, but it’s such a high to replay them in your mind and let the scenes bloom the way you always wanted. God, and soundtracking those daydreams with the perfect song? So cinematic.
Amidst all the warm, fuzzy emotions, one unpleasant yet familiar feeling took center stage: the quiet confusion of wondering why I haven’t moved on. Let’s be honest, the pining and the fangirling, that’s honestly the best part of having a crush. But when that crush has already been confronted, when you thought you’d left it in the past… what then?
For me, it was difficult to swallow the possibility of having unresolved feelings about someone. I felt tons of guilt, as if I were committing the crime of the century simply by letting him linger in my thoughts. But there’s a completely different lens to view this through – one that’s far kinder and more understanding toward myself.
I feel like there’s always this pressure to move on quickly, to “get on with your life,” even if it means not truly being there for yourself. Otherwise, you risk looking obsessive, or just completely weird. In my case, I really wish I had taken the time to heal properly, to let myself ride all the waves that come with breakups, rejection and redirection. My situation is layered, too, because some of my former crushes and relationships were also my friends. In many cases, they still are.
Sitting through these feelings rather than rushing to erase them, gave me the space to slowly start moving on again. And honestly? I’m not upset that they resurfaced. Moving on and healing isn’t linear. Sometimes, just when you think you’ve moved past someone, those old emotions come back to punch you in the gut. This is especially true when the real healing process begins later rather than sooner, like mine did.
This past Valentine’s Day, I made a point to acknowledge any lingering, unrequited feelings, giving myself the space to move forward and make room for new romantic possibilities – especially since I actually got asked out this year. I’m proud I took the time to process, because it made my Valentine’s Day feel clear-headed and grounded, and it allowed me to actually show up for my date in the way they deserved.
Happy belated Valentine’s Day to all the fellow daydreamers and lingering-heart enthusiasts. Keep your head in the clouds. Maybe just watch your step.
